Signs You've Been In Band Too Long

Courtesy of Harrogate Band

• When you hear music and you start marking time.
• When you walk behind someone and you're in step with them.
• When you try to guess the tempo of your favourite song.
• When all your friends are in the band.
• When you don't mind changing clothes on the bus.
• When you point out key changes and dynamics while listening to the radio.
• When people ask you about your social life and you say, "Oh, you mean my flute / trumpet / drum / etc.?"
• When you practice your instrument more than you talk to your dog.
• When being mauled by a drum is a normal part of life.
• When people worry when they see you without your instrument.
• When you remember flats and sharps more easily than your name.
• When your instrument has a name.
• When you remember your instrument's birthday and forget your mum's.
• When you give your instrument a birthday party.
• When you can make brown shoes look white.
• When your uniform fits.
• When you see your section more than you see your family
• When you think evening practices should last a half-hour longer.
• When you accidentally call your band director "Dad".
• When you CAN sight-read.
• When you can put on your uniform in less than 10 minutes.
• When you have a neck strap/harness tan line.
• When you subconsciously start practicing with a pencil.
• When numbers past 8 aren't important.
• When you'd rather practice than read this list.
• When letters past G aren't important.
• When you get the jokes on this list.

Rules for the Band

Courtesy of Battle Town Band

• Always show up late for rehearsal. It lets the conductor know how much he needs you.
• Don't practice too much ahead of time. You don't want to 'peak" too soon.
• If you take a pencil to rehearsal, take enough for everybody...and make sure the eraser is worn down. It helps give the music an antique look.
• Always ad lib and take things up an octave. It shows initiative, and the composer would probably be grateful.
• Always laugh out loud when someone misses a note. Humiliation builds character.
• Always chew gum during rehearsal. It shows everyone that you can do two things at one time.
• Never count during long rests. Rely on your neighbour to tell you when to play.
• Always play the 4th Horn cues, because he always plays yours.
• Always be the last one to cut off. Someone has to.
• Always slouch in your chair. It shows you are relaxed.
• Never play absolutely in tune. It sounds funny.
• Always raise your hand during rehearsal and ask a stupid question. It helps kill time, and gives everyone a chance to stare at you.
• Always make strange noises through your instrument. It draws attention to yourself.
• Always beat your foot in time with a piece other than what you are playing.
• Never let anyone play louder than you.
• Always glance at the conductor. He likes to think he's in charge.

New Musical Terms

In an effort to keep you abreast of the ever-changing world of musical terminology, we provide you with some terms with which you should be familiar...

Adagio Formaggioso: To play in a slow and cheesy manner.

AnDante: A musical composition that is infernally slow.

Angus Dei: To play with a divine, beefy tone (NOT named after our Angus, in case you wondered...).

Anti-phonal: Referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall.

A Patella: Unaccompanied knee-slapping (see also "Schneewalzer").

Appologgiatura: A composition, solo or instrument (or fellow band member...), you regret playing.

Approximatura: A series of notes played by a performer, not intended by the composer.

Approximento: A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch (see also "horns").

Bar Line: What musicians form after a concert.

Concerto Grossissimo: A really bad performance.

Coral Symphony: (see "Beethoven - Caribbean period").

Cornetti-Trombosis: The entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians exit hastily down the stage stairs

Dill Piccolo: A wind instrument that plays only sour notes.

Fermantra: A note that is repeated over and over and over and ...

Fermoota: A rest of indefinite length and dubious value.

Foghornoso: A sound that is heard when the conductor's intentions are not clear. Or in Padstow Lifeboat.

Frugalhorn: A sensible, inexpensive brass instrument (often played, as in our case, by a sensible accountant-type).

Gaul Blatter: A French horn player.

Good Conductor: A person who can give an electrifying performance. or, alternative use, one who obeys the band

Gregorian Shan't: Monk who refuses to sing.

Goffrichendo: Gradually getting annoyingly louder.

Mallade: A lyrical solo that's pretty awful. A lame duck, perhaps.

Molto bolto: Head straight for the ending.

Opera buffa: Musical stage production by nudists.

Poochini Opera: Musical performance, accompanied by a dog.

Pre-Classical Conservatism: School of thought which fostered the idea, "if it ain't baroque, don't fix it."

Spritzicato: Plucking of a stringed instrument (what?) to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional).

Tempo Tantrumo: When a young band refuses to keep time with the conductor (as if...).

Tincanabulation: The annoying or irritating sounds made by extremely cheap bells.

Vesuvioso: A gradual build-up to a fiery conclusion.

ZZZfortzando: Playing REALLY loud in order to wake up the audience (also Bb basses/back-row cornets).